I try melancholy a lot because I have hard and bad days too. I mope. I remember my mom. I wonder why I survived my covid episode year before last. I muse whether I should start working again because life seems stuck in a rut of nothingness and chores. I cry my silent tears as I miss being with my father. I get tired of being nice. I find the meaningless existence of many around me tedious. I rue the dishonest people I encounter. I feel bad for myself as I recall the many moments when my sincerity was not appreciated.
I feel miserable many a times for a long period. I figure out that the inevitability and uncertainty of the times we encounter may be leading me into a state of sadness, depression like scenarios. This is when I try melancholy. It feels nice to have someone and something to blame, for who wants to admit one’s fault.
But then me is me. It does not pan out thus all the time. I love the power of my positive mind. I am aware of the resilience it shows. It is also when I become aware of how it is always up to us to guide our days and time on earth.
And then again something does not feel right.
Like the winter sky when it the sun keeps playing hide and seek with the clouds, I have this errant mood which oscillates between being fine and irritable and down in the dumps and then okay. As I look around to see what triggers this pendulum effect, I see no valid reason.
All seems fine. In place. As it should be.
Yet there is this emptiness. There is this void. This hugely nagging feeling of ‘why’. I shake it off, yet it does not go. I love to question stuff around me because I feel it helps me understand my situation better. There used to be those amazingly simple, innocent times when one thought we could learn from this or that person. I have realized that it is not what you learn from a person, it is what you realize you should not do, which is the learning.
I miss the simplicity of my emotions when it was either sadness or happiness and when there was an attributable reason for it. I have always said that I have lived my life in black ad white with no greys in between. Truly so, always. There aren’t any even now. But the external forces which bring in the grey are annoying.
I have realized more oft now than ever before that the effect of a no reason mood swing is more debilitating than any other emotion one can feel. Since I always look for reasons when I encounter problems, I read and educated myself. Seeking medical help from my gyny doctor friend was one viable option. Being on the other side of a half century has its advantages but also its inherent down turns. Keeping an active 24 hours and a physical fitness which may not be evident yet can make any marathon runner hang their head in shame, is not a guarantee for the internal shit to not get deranged. So, a few pills popping at the end of the day was what my friend sorted out saying it was a minor aspect in which I was reading into too much. But I felt good that what was in my control and doable first was taken care off and over with.
Left me with that weird feeling again. Oops not again!
A part of me wanted to try melancholy again. The other part decided to recede into a day of quiet and minimal interaction with the environment around me. Monosyllables worked well during this period. And a chance lunch outside on our balcony, seemed to melt away the feeling. The wintry sun, the tweeting of the parrots as they devoured the fresh corn, I had hung out on trees for them, the swaying palms, my turkeys crackling as I called out to them – Wow! That was all that was needed to make the weirdness, I felt vanish.
Yet it was I who chose to let that happiness feeling flood me from the outside to the inside. The thoughts will remain. The feelings will be baffling. The moments will be irritating. The days will pan out crazy. The chores will remain chores and won’t become a hobby. Time will continue to be in short supply. Hubby dearest will doze off anywhere and say he has the right to relax because it is holiday while my son shall question him with a “And when does Mom get one”, to which sleepy head will say: Lets all plonk off for a nap!!
And I will continue to lose it and find it. I will continue to have my good and b(s)ad days. I shall want my quiet, solitude and a jabbering day too. I shall feel boredom and worthlessness along with productive, professional & writer days. I will find and feel chaos amidst calm and I shall also seek understanding of the weirdness around me, and various people will continue to make me marvel – at their stupidity and expertise as the case may be.
There will be days thus when I find it and days when it shall elude me. What? Peace of mind! (Yet I seek it till eternity or till death do us apart)
There are colours around us and within…..its our prerogative what we choose and why! Our choices and their reasons define us as Human beings. Choose wisely!