As another day ended and both – predictable and unpredictable events happened through it, I sat at my desk to do what I do best – write.
Why can’t I get myself to be selfish?
Why can’t I refrain from trying always to make everyone comfortable?
Why can’t I just do things only for myself?
Why can’t I not be worried about what & how the people I love are feeling?
Why can’t I let go of the guilt if one day I do not do what I had planned?
Why can’t I not feel responsible for everyone’s action & reaction?
Why can’t I just let ME be?
Questions for which I have no answers, and which make me who I am. Maybe it is genetic. Maybe it is cultivated. Maybe it is just a burden of being thoughtfully aware. Maybe it is to do with who I am.
My ‘maybes’ are never-ending. And my answers an amalgamation of many attributes.
Have discarded my search some while ago for answers to these and many such questions, I continue to search for that balance of thought and action. Of belief and performance. Of anxiousness and sensitivity. Of accountability and outcome. Of self-reproach and improvisation.
My search continues……as I am often left thinking what it is that makes me weird?!