I am left thinking……

As another day ended and both – predictable and unpredictable events happened through it, I sat at my desk to do what I do best – write.

Why can’t I get myself to be selfish?

Why can’t I refrain from trying always to make everyone comfortable?

Why can’t I just do things only for myself?

Why can’t I not be worried about what & how the people I love are feeling?

Why can’t I let go of the guilt if one day I do not do what I had planned?

Why can’t I not feel responsible for everyone’s action & reaction?

Why can’t I just let ME be?

Questions for which I have no answers, and which make me who I am. Maybe it is genetic. Maybe it is cultivated. Maybe it is just a burden of being thoughtfully aware. Maybe it is to do with who I am.

My ‘maybes’ are never-ending. And my answers an amalgamation of many attributes.

Have discarded my search some while ago for answers to these and many such questions, I continue to search for that balance of thought and action. Of belief and performance. Of anxiousness and sensitivity. Of accountability and outcome. Of self-reproach and improvisation.

My search continues……as I am often left thinking what it is that makes me weird?!

“Lemon tree very pretty and its flower so flowery sweet but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat” – heard these lines from my Mom as she would sing them beautifully with the stress on ‘impossible’ and would love it.

Today after years of greying my hair right and with zero regrets about how I have lived my life and on what conditions – I understand and try to draw parallels to what this song means to me about ‘LIFE’ itself…….Life, according to my ‘isms’ is quite like the lemon tree which blooms beautifully but to maintain it on a path of ethically living is quite like the bitter sweet impossibility of eating stand-alone a lemon fruit! One needs all the help of family and dear friends.
Found this masterpiece of a plant holder years back and it has adorned my school office tables with pride – Yes, I feel more, I react more, I care more – can’t help it, am made that way.
Yes, sometimes its to my detriment but then who cares and who changes the playing techniques after more than half a century on plant Earth. Well, I don’t, I shan’t!
And I guess I don’t need too – I know of the worried and aghast phone calls I shall get if I am not me and from who all!!!!

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