Oh!
Somebody is stealing my thoughts.
I don’t mean “inspired by” — I mean full-on daylight robbery, repackaged with Canva templates and inspirational quotes in Comic Sans. Then they post it online, get 50K likes, and start doing TED Talks on their “original thinking.”
Meanwhile, humanity is auditioning for Greed: The Musical.
It’s not enough to have money — now you have to flaunt it until the neighbours develop low self-esteem.
Once upon a time, people saved for emergencies. Now they buy third houses “for investment” while borrowing sugar from you.
If oxygen could be sold, we’d all be standing in line at an AirBar, paying ₹499 for a “fresh Himalayan breeze” in an Insta-worthy jar. #GratefulForBreathing
Friends? Oh please. We’ve rebranded them as “Networking Opportunities.”
If you can’t offer a contact, a contract, or at least a free holiday villa, you’re demoted to “acquaintance” — which in today’s terms means you’ll only be remembered if you comment on their selfies within 3 minutes of posting.
Otherwise? Goodbye, and please return the party photos you took.
The Need-To-Be-A-Star Virus is now a global pandemic.
Talent? Redundant. Effort? Outdated.
All you need is a phone, a ring light, and the ability to lip-sync without choking.
Sing off-key? Dance like an uncoordinated octopus? No problem — just label it “relatable content” and watch the followers roll in.
And when the likes come in, oh dear lord — the smugness could power an entire city.
Social media has made us all part-time actors in the soap opera of our own lives, except no one’s writing a decent script.
We’ve replaced moral compass with a “popularity compass,” and it spins faster than a politician’s promise before elections.
So yes, if this post goes viral, I’ll smile sweetly, thank you all, and quietly update my bio to: Public Figure.
Ha ha HA!
The Insta Influencer Starter Pack
1️⃣ Ring Light – Because natural sunlight is for peasants.
2️⃣ Duck Face – The facial expression that says “I’m mysterious” while actually saying “I can’t breathe through my nose.”
3️⃣ Overused Hashtags – #Blessed #Goals #OOTD #GrindNeverStops #IDontKnowWhatThisMeansButItTrends.
4️⃣ Inspirational Quote in Cursive Font – Preferably stolen from Pinterest, wrongly attributed to Einstein.
5️⃣ Unpaid Collaborations – Free coffee in exchange for 9 posts, 13 stories, and your dignity.
6️⃣ Outrage Poses – “Oh, I didn’t see you taking a picture” while standing on a cliff in full makeup at sunrise.
7️⃣ Filter Addiction – Skin smoother than a newborn seal. Eye colour changes depending on the day’s vibe.
8️⃣ Random Product Placement – “Here’s my skincare routine” while holding a packet of Maggi noodles.
9️⃣ 90-Second Wisdom Reels – Because all life problems can be solved if you lip-sync to a Bollywood line.
🔟 Fanbase of Strangers – 12K followers, 11.9K are bots from questionable geographic locations.
And while I am at it…my brain’s working well today…why not this too!
The Deluxe Insta Influencer Starter Pack™
1️⃣ Ego Boost Serum™ – Apply twice daily. Side effects include overconfidence, delusions of grandeur, and thinking you’re “changing lives” with smoothie recipes.
2️⃣ Authenticity Filter 3000™ – Removes pores, wrinkles, and any trace of reality. Leaves you looking like a CGI version of yourself.
3️⃣ Ring Light of Glory® – Because without perfect lighting, you’re just another human. And we can’t have that, can we?
4️⃣ Hashtag Buffet™ – Unlimited #Inspo, #BossBabe, #LiveLaughLove, #HustleCulture, and #IWokeUpLikeThis (you didn’t).
5️⃣ Brand Partnership Survival Kit™ – A collection of free products you didn’t ask for but now “cannot live without” because they pay you in “exposure.”
6️⃣ Outfit Repeater Alarm™ – Warns you if you wear the same outfit twice in 60 days — social death avoided.
7️⃣ Public Vulnerability Script™ – For that one teary-eyed post about your “struggles,” timed perfectly before a new product launch.
8️⃣ The Maggi-Collab Effect™ – Insert random products in unrelated content: “My morning yoga with this mop changed my life.”
9️⃣ Bot Army Premium Plan™ – Because what’s 50K followers worth if 48K aren’t from mystery locations in Eastern Europe?
🔟 Cliffside Selfie Insurance® – Covers you against slipping while trying to look “casually” breathtaking at sunrise.
Yet, I sip my tea, sigh my sighs and decide to shake off the misery and work my day through!
#StealMyThoughtsPayMyRent
#GreedIsTheNewGod
#LikesOverLife
Wickedlyours 
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